Responsibility
It’s important in order to be successful in life, in our jobs, in our relationships, in our financial lives, all of it.
The positive of responsibility is being accountable, reliable and dependable to do the things we are expected to do or say we are going to do. Parents are responsible for caring for and raising their children. Employees are responsible to carry out the duties they are hired to perform. I am responsible to take care of the horses and the animals who live with me.
Taking on a responsibility when we commit to a project, something we say we are going to do, of for the well-being of others is positive when we do so without consistently sacrificing our own well-being, time, energy and our own responsibilities. Some of us have temperaments that are predisposed to over committing and taking care of others and we have to watch that we don’t drink from an empty well.
When the scales tip into over-responsibility we spend a lot of energy, concern and effort into attempting to make sure others are okay or over committing or rescuing or pleasing or behaviors that leave us feeling anxious, worried, controlling or (fill in the blank). It is exhausting!
“Over-responsibility for others includes feeling another’s feeling for him or her; taking over for, talking for, mediating for, or making excuses for someone else; monitoring another person by word or gesture; bailing someone out; interpreting, second guessing, or anticipating what someone is saying; feeling or acting responsible for someone else’s feelings.” https://councilforrelationships.org
How did we get here? When the scales tip into over-responsibility, we are often operating unconsciously from an old story of our own needs not being met. Most often this is a story we learned very young. It is often a story that our needs were neglected or there was trauma and we learned to perhaps be the adult, or take on the responsibility that everyone else is okay. Perhaps you got affirmation for being so attentive and responsible for others and that is how you learned life needs to be in order to be loved and valued. And your needs took a seat way in the back of the bus.
Signs of over responsibility include:
1. Taking care of everyone else but you.
2. Taking responsibility for the decisions, behaviors and outcomes of others.
3. Taking over even your friend’s and neighbor’s responsibilities.
4. Saying yes, all the time even at your own expense.
5. Lack of boundaries.
6. Over apologizing or apologizing for the behaviors of others.
7. Consistently finding relationships that reinforce over-responsibility, often unhealthy relationships.
8. You are convinced it is your fault if others around you are upset.
9. Difficulty asking for help.
10. Playing small.
The list goes on but chances are you or someone you know can relate. The good news is we can change that old story! The first step is awareness that life is not much fun where we are and acknowledge there has to be a better way to be. Unfortunately, for most of us, we have to get a place where we are so uncomfortable that we are ready for change or healing or something better. My mom used to say we have to get to the place where we cry “uncle”.
Changing our stories of caretaking, over-responsibility and putting our well-being at the bottom of the barrel takes learning about the roots of our patterns and breaking free of them AND then learning and embracing who we truly are.
Gestalt and Equine Gestalt Coaching can support you along your personal journey to freedom, to joy, to healthy relationships, to VALUING YOURSELF, to creating new stories.
Imagine a life where you feel valued for who you are not for what you do for others or how much you sacrifice yourself.
I would love to hear from you. What holds you back from letting go or breaking free of those old stories?
In joy and support,
Brenda & the herd
