I was listening to a podcast about people pleasing the other day. The host was sharing a long list of signs and behaviors of a people pleaser. As a recovering fixer, people-pleaser and rescuer, I am quite familiar with the signs and behaviors, as well as the internal fears and challenges that come along with being a pleaser – including attracting relationships that are on the toxic side.

Perhaps you are familiar with some of the signs also:

1. Being a savior to everyone except ourselves.
2. Taking on too much responsibility.
3. Feeling selfish or guilty if we take care of ourselves.
4. Operating out of a sense of obligation.
5. Taking responsibility for the feelings of others.
6. Over apologizing.
7. Agreeing with others without having our own opinions.
8. Hiding our true feelings.
9. Avoiding conflict.
10. Unable to say no or set boundaries.
11. And the list goes on….

The strategy behind people pleasing is most often birthed in childhood. Whether it was modeled for us or a learned strategy to survive a difficult life, we did not develop a healthy sense of self-worth.

My own journey of healing and recovery from these strategies and behaviors has resulted in a much happier and healthier me. While I still watch myself because people pleasing can subtly sneak in, I am proud of where I am and in being able to support others along their path of recovery.

There was one other sign the podcast host mentioned that I had not considered previously that caught my attention. Never-ending To-Do lists! Yikes! This one has me reflecting. Are my never ending to do lists from feeling like there are things I “should” be doing? Things that if I did, I would feel worthy? I am taking a good look at my lists and asking myself some hard questions. What would be a people pleasing trap for me would be if there are things on my list that involve others and feels like a self-imposed obligation or a “should” that I truly do not want to do or do not have the time to do. So far, I am in the clear!

What about you? Do you find yourself people pleasing at the expense of your own well-being?

Change is possible and guess what?

Taking care of you first is NOT SELFISHNESS!

I would love to hear from you! What is familiar to you?

In joy & possibilities,

Brenda & the herd

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Self-care and Boundaries

It felt so good to be back partnering with the horses and doing group work! There is often a theme that arises when working with groups and last Saturday it was healthy boundaries.

If we don’t have them, we teach others they don’t have to respect us. If we don’t teach our children healthy boundaries, what happens? If we don’t teach that new puppy boundaries you have an unruly dog who messes in the house and worse. If I don’t teach my horses my boundaries it can be dangerous. Sound familiar?

In order to set boundaries, we first have to know who we are and what we want and don’t want. We need to believe we are worthy of setting boundaries or saying “no”, or “not now” or “let me think about this”. Far too often we are afraid to set a boundary in fear of hurting another person, or in fear they will … you fill in the blank. What follows is we tolerate the actions or behaviors of others, we compromise our own desires and feelings and end up feeling resentful, hurt, less-than and in relationships that are not healthy.

When working with people, most often women, about setting boundaries, it usually begins like this:

“I am sorry…”

“I think…”

“Well you know…”

“Um, do you think we can…”

“Would you be okay with….”

“Can I…” 

It’s the asking of the other if it’s okay with them to set a boundary with them.

The first tip toe into the boundary is asking the other if it’s okay. I get it. It can be scary! I have been there!

What can you do?

1. What do you really want in a situation?
2. How to you WANT to feel?
3. Practice! Visualize setting your boundary. Look in the mirror and practice the boundary you really want to set.
4. Ask yourself if you are really willing to have the consequences of not setting that boundary.
5. Remember that NO is a complete sentence and you can say it firmly and kindly!
6. Remember that healthy boundaries are part of self-care. You are worth it!
7. Remember healthy boundaries teach others how to respect you. If someone leaves because you set a boundary, they probably are not in the healthy relationship category and that is not about you!

 

We would love to support you on your journey!

Join us and break free!

“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, event when we risk disappointing others.” – Brenee Brown

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It’s important in order to be successful in life, in our jobs, in our relationships, in our financial lives, all of it.

The positive of responsibility is being accountable, reliable and dependable to do the things we are expected to do or say we are going to do. Parents are responsible for caring for and raising their children. Employees are responsible to carry out the duties they are hired to perform. I am responsible to take care of the horses and the animals who live with me.

Taking on a responsibility when we commit to a project, something we say we are going to do, of for the well-being of others is positive when we do so without consistently sacrificing our own well-being, time, energy and our own responsibilities. Some of us have temperaments that are predisposed to over committing and taking care of others and we have to watch that we don’t drink from an empty well.

When the scales tip into over-responsibility we spend a lot of energy, concern and effort into attempting to make sure others are okay or over committing or rescuing or pleasing or behaviors that leave us feeling anxious, worried, controlling or (fill in the blank). It is exhausting!

“Over-responsibility for others includes feeling another’s feeling for him or her; taking over for, talking for, mediating for, or making excuses for someone else; monitoring another person by word or gesture; bailing someone out; interpreting, second guessing, or anticipating what someone is saying; feeling or acting responsible for someone else’s feelings.” https://councilforrelationships.org

How did we get here? When the scales tip into over-responsibility, we are often operating unconsciously from an old story of our own needs not being met. Most often this is a story we learned very young. It is often a story that our needs were neglected or there was trauma and we learned to perhaps be the adult, or take on the responsibility that everyone else is okay. Perhaps you got affirmation for being so attentive and responsible for others and that is how you learned life needs to be in order to be loved and valued. And your needs took a seat way in the back of the bus.

Signs of over responsibility include:

1.   Taking care of everyone else but you.

2.   Taking responsibility for the decisions, behaviors and outcomes of others.

3.   Taking over even your friend’s and neighbor’s responsibilities.

4.   Saying yes, all the time even at your own expense.

5.   Lack of boundaries.

6.   Over apologizing or apologizing for the behaviors of others.

7.   Consistently finding relationships that reinforce over-responsibility, often unhealthy relationships.

8.   You are convinced it is your fault if others around you are upset.

9.   Difficulty asking for help.

10.  Playing small.

The list goes on but chances are you or someone you know can relate. The good news is we can change that old story! The first step is awareness that life is not much fun where we are and acknowledge there has to be a better way to be. Unfortunately, for most of us, we have to get a place where we are so uncomfortable that we are ready for change or healing or something better. My mom used to say we have to get to the place where we cry “uncle”.

Changing our stories of caretaking, over-responsibility and putting our well-being at the bottom of the barrel takes learning about the roots of our patterns and breaking free of them AND then learning and embracing who we truly are.

Gestalt and Equine Gestalt Coaching can support you along your personal journey to freedom, to joy, to healthy relationships, to VALUING YOURSELF, to creating new stories.

Imagine a life where you feel valued for who you are not for what you do for others or how much you sacrifice yourself.

I would love to hear from you. What holds you back from letting go or breaking free of those old stories?

In joy and support,

Brenda & the herd

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How we respond to change and transitions usually depends upon what type of change we are facing and our own story of change. Sudden, unpredictable change knocks most of us off center in a variety of ways with a full range of psychological, emotional and physiological responses, such as uncertainty, fear, doubt, stress, anxiety, perhaps depression and panic.

We are now entering into the change of seasons from summer to fall, a time of predictable change, shorter days, the turning of the leaves, of harvest, and for some like me, it means serious winter preparation of firewood and hay and maintenance that can’t be done under blankets of snow. As we transition into the darker time of year, we are at a prime time of looking within, at where we have been, especially these past few years, what changes are happening to us personally, where we are going. With so much change it can leave us wondering who we are. Have you ever wondered where did parts of you go? Parts such as the fun, carefree parts? With intense and sudden change, we may enter into survival mode and forget our true essence. Who are you in the midst of change or who or what have you been told that you have to be? Are there parts of you left behind or forgotten? Sometimes we might not even know our true essence.

Today we are experiencing the change of seasons under a very heavy blanket of continued gritty change in our world. Now is a good time to take a look at our harvests and gems of this journey so far, to find the grace and reclaim your true essence.  And, to honor and release that which we no longer want to carry so that it does not get in the way of how we move into and through change.

Change whether gradual or sudden, smooth and gradual, or abrupt and unpredictable can be uncomfortable and bring up feelings of fear and uncertainty and our unfinished business from the past. Our strong desire to move away from pain and discomfort can send us into rushing into a change. When we rush into change, into the new, we often end up exhausted, frustrated, stressed and perhaps find ourselves experiencing the same old story once again. The unfinished business of our stories gets in the way of completing today’s transitions and changes. Rushing on and into the next thing, the next job, the next partner, the next…often prevents us from doing what it takes to find out who we truly are if the old stories are not running the show. And sometimes we struggle through change trying to be someone we are not, someone others told us overtly or subtly that we had to be.

How do we do we move through change without dragging our story of unfinished business with us or without creating more of it?

I invite you to reflect on your own process of change, whether sudden or gradual:

What is changing in your life?

Who do you need to be?

What part of your essence can support you?

How to you want to move through change?

Where are you flexible, resilient?

What do you need to finish so that you can move forward?

What is holding you back? Where do you feel stuck?

What needs nurturing in order to fully step into the new?

May you move through change with Grit and with Grace!

We are here to support you during your life changes and beyond. Check out our upcoming Change & the Essence of You Fall Intensive for women below. We would love to have you join us!

In Joy,

Brenda

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I recently had such a time. My everyday truck, which I call Grace, got a puncture in one of her tires. I could hear the air rushing out and knew I couldn’t get all the way back to town. It has been years since I had to change a tire – I am confident that I know how. Well, maybe not with this newer truck… First step, where is the jack? A good idea to know BEFORE you need it! The trusty owner’s manual directed me to a crazy place under the seat and it didn’t want to come out. Great. Got it out. Next, how in the world do I get the spare out from under the truck? They don’t make that easy or clear either! I followed the instructions and gave up. Feeling pretty frustrated with many things to do and a trip in just over a day, I strategized how to handle this. Time was short. I had arrangements to borrow a portable air tank (I know them as air pigs); I considered calling for road side assistance which is often many hours getting to where I live; I considered driving Grit (she is my old 1 ton work truck) to the airport.

The next morning, with a pancake flat tire, I felt a feeling I recognize as one I will do most anything to avoid – TRAPPED! I considered options and had little time to exercise any but to give it a serious go at changing the tire myself! I started and gave up. I started again and gave up and again. I succeeded in lowering the tire. Then, it was time to break the lug nuts loose. The conversation with myself went kind of like this:

The less confident and overwhelmed side of me: “Okay, Brenda, you are not as strong as you once were. What if you can’t do it? What if you hurt yourself? What if you CAN’T do it? It’s going to be HARD.”

The go for it, self reliant side (and a bit of the “oh yeah, watch me!” side): “Oh my gosh! Just stop it! You know how to do this and at least give it your best shot! If you have to have help and wait until you get back from your trip, so be it. Remember you are resourceful!. Now just DO IT!”

And, yes, I can still do it! Although, breaking those lug nuts loose was really, really hard and I almost gave up several times! What was most important to me was not giving up. Knowing how to do things such as how to change a tire and how to do it safely (I actually used, not one but, two Jacks!) without hurting myself feels so empowering. I have been blessed in my life to have had many teachers to show me how to know how to do things, how to be willing to figure things out AND to do them. What motivated me to not give up? That’s what I call Grit. And I am extremely motivated by my need to avoid feeling trapped. When I feel trapped it sure doesn’t feel anywhere near Grace!

What about you? What motivates you when you are faced with uncomfortable feelings? What motivates you when you are faced with challenges?

I will be resuming the fun Grit with Grace – just in case you have to! workshops soon. Learn a hands on skill, have some fun and experience some confidence raising coaching with the horses.

Have a Grit with Grace story? I would love to hear it!

Let’s get inspired!

Brenda & the herd

“Changing stories from “No I can’t, to YES I can!”

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What do you do when you REALLY want something? That something that pulls you, that wakes you in the night, that JUST won’t leave you alone?  A dream? A vision? Perhaps one you have dared to take the step of saying yes to~ of making the declaration of ~ if not now then when? What stories do you tell yourself about take those steps toward what you really want? Is it something like: “How can I do it all?” or “I am learning to prioritize.”? “I can” or “I can’t”? “It’s hard” or “it’s absolutely worth it”? What would you need to believe to shift limiting stories to “I can do this no matter what it takes!”? 

The stories we tell ourselves are powerful. The language we use to talk with and about ourselves has the power to empower or dis-empower, to lift up or to limit. When I was a little girl I remember when my beloved Grammie would get frustrated with herself over a simple mistake and call herself a “jackass”.  I noticed and wondered why she would call herself that, even as a young child. Throughout my adulthood I have learned a great deal about neurolinguistic programming or NLP – basically the power of our words and our thoughts. I now notice when my own inner dialogue is leading me astray and limiting me and I notice it almost every day in others.

I pulled out one of my favorite books about shifting our stories, the seer by David Robinson and came across this quote by Henry David Thoreau:

“Thought is the sculptor who can create the person you want to be.”

One of the exercises at the end of the chapter on how our language matters helps us notice the stories we tell ourselves that limit or empower. David talks about the practice of “not knowing”, which is one of curiosity and observation without judgement.  Just noticing. Once we begin to notice the language we use change begins. Awareness is the first step in making change.  Give this a whirl and see what you notice.

Study: Listen to the words you use to tell your story. How often do you say “can’t” or “have to?” Do you often use “should?” Study the words you use to tell your story.

Action:  Language matters so play with changing words or phrases like “can’t” or “have to” into “choose” or “choose not to.” Use the language of choice for a week. How does your story change? How does your seeing change?

Exercise:  Eavesdrop. Listen to the language of other people. Pay attention to their conversations as if they were stories being created. What words matter in how people story themselves?

Have fun with the process of observing and shifting patterns within your stories. When we change the stories we tell ourselves from negative to positive, to what we want rather than what we don’t want, from self-deprecating to self-compassionate, shift happens!

In joy & new stories,

Brenda & the herd

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What I love to do most is inspire others to find courage and build confidence to move forward in life, to do something they never believed they could, to create new stories – to release limiting beliefs that stand in the way. There is that “C” word. Confidence. I certainly have my own areas where I don’t feel terribly confident at times. So what is confidence anyway and how do we build more of it?

Confidence. It’s what we need to succeed. To feel good about ourselves. To step through our fears. To stand up for ourselves and so much more. There are many professionals out there writing about confidence these days. Confidence is more about who we are, about our belief in ourselves and not as much about being able to do something. Barbara De Angelis reminds us, “When you base your confidence on who you are, instead of what you accomplish, you have created something that no one or no circumstance can ever take away from you.” I believe being confident is the belief that we can handle whatever comes our way; we can learn how to do things we are not comfortable doing. We can step through the fear and limiting beliefs. We can.

So how do we build our confidence?  We can small steps each day.  Here are a few tips:

1. Do something each day that stretches you out of your comfort zone – just do it anyway
2. Practice positive affirmations about yourself as if it is already so
3. Refute the negative self -talk by consistently letting that inner critic know why what it says isn’t true – bust those limiting beliefs no matter where they came from
4. Practice self-care
5. Surround yourself with people who care about you, positive people
6. Allow yourself to dream big

For myself, all of this means getting out of my own way and really showing up – even when it’s really uncomfortable!

What stretches you beyond your comfort zone that you resist doing? What stories do you tell yourself about limitations? How do you define confidence? Do you have it? Want more of it? I would love to hear how you have handled barriers to feeling confident!

Wishing you each the confidence to go for it!  Oh, and if lack of confidence does show up write an affirmation about just how boldly confident you already are!

In joy & going for it,

Brenda & the herd

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“I can’t find that damn bucket! Where in the heck did “he” put it?”

Today, “He” just happened to be my adult son who is visiting — and helping out a great deal I might add! Most of the time “he” is someone from the past to whom is clearly attached to an old story! Sometimes it is, “where is my pipe wrench?” or something similar, then I set about telling myself the story that men don’t believe that women NEED tools. Mind you that “he” has not been around for many years!  Sometimes it’s a story I tell myself about things being left unfinished by “him”.  What an oxymoron, huh?

Okay, today, I locate an alternate bucket and make the beet pulp mash for Tobe, the senior citizen of the herd, only to walk in the barn to see the bucket right where I left it.  That was my light bulb moment.  One to show me just how often I get stuck in that old story pattern.  I pondered just how much energy I give away getting stuck in those old stories that just are of no use to me today.

Some of our old stories are relatively minor, yet irritating, and perhaps not how we want to spend our precious energy.  Other old stories carry much more charge – pain, reaction, coping strategies that don’t serve our highest good.

What old stories do you find yourself bumping up against?  If you could change your reaction to that old story, what would you let go of? What new response do you want to create in it’s place?

Here’s to owning our stories and healing how those stories show up today!

How do your stories show up?

I would love to hear from you.

In joy,

Brenda & the herd

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