PERMISSION TO PAUSE

         

Speeding toward the U.S. border, along the deserted Canadian highway on a Friday afternoon a couple weeks ago, a large mule deer stepped out onto the road ahead forcing me to slow down.  As I approached, several more made their way across. I easily could have resumed my speed to get back to my trip home and get the chores done before dark. But, I stopped. To my right there was the rest of the herd, perhaps 30 or more deer.  I watched as they danced and skated and slid their way across the icy approach to the highway, an occasional cautious one looked to me to make sure it was safe. No cars in the review mirror and none approaching ahead.  I stayed.  I found myself pondering that morning at mom’s as I observed myself in a pattern or strategy that I often adopt. One of doing. I am great at taking action, at doing. I enjoy getting things done. I love to see progress and I often get positive feedback for my efforts. Sounds positive, productive, right? Yes, and ‘doing” is reinforced by our culture which rewards getting things done far over taking a breath and just being or taking a pause to connect with ourselves.

That very morning, after a spending the week getting my mom settled back into her apartment after a 17 day hospital stay, I sat down to reflect, journal and had hoped to start setting my intentions and calendar for this year. Here it came, restlessness. I jumped up. “What should I be doing next?  I leave this afternoon.” I took a breath and sat back down only to repeat the give-in-to-restlessness pattern.  It had been a very busy week and I was amazed at how much there had been to do; laundry, getting safety equipment in place, shopping, cooking, understanding medications and helping mom learn to take them and when, errands, rallying a team of neighbors to keep an eye, hiring some in-home help… And, then, I realized I was stuck in action mode with not really anything left to do before heading home that afternoon. I was not able to press pause. You know “be”, sit, relax, reflect, “do” nothing for a few minutes? I sent a text to my dear friend, mentor and coach, Peggy, about my observation of frequent my pattern. She called it my “strategy”. Sure enough. But a strategy to do what? Ha! There it was again.  That familiar; “I have to… I need to… I don’t have time…” The action-doing-get-it-done mode takes over and it can be a real challenge! I know better. I coach people to create time to “be”, to give themselves permission to pause. I have read and understand that not taking time to “be” makes us less productive, less able to manage stress!

I remained stopped to allow the entire herd of deer to cross. I didn’t have to. Normally, I would have waited until it was safe and resume my “get to my destination” mode. Headlights appeared in my rearview mirror, still a long distance before the vehicle would reach this spot. Suddenly, as deer after deer crossed the highway in front of my truck, I felt my whole body relax. I was being!  Allowing myself to be to pause and in the present moment.  As the last deer made her decision to join her herd, I smiled. I thanked the herd as they made their way single file across the snow covered pasture in the distance. That few minutes of “being” was a beautiful remembering for me. It was allowing that deep pause that feels like I just took a deep breath after holding it. It’s taking a moment or so to check in, listen to that inner voice and be in my body. The horses are most often my go-to be still and are masters at helping us “be”. It is with them that I am most successful at sitting with, allowing the restlessness, the demands of “doing mode” to pass and allow “being” to settle in. That afternoon my permission to pause came from a herd of deer.

Do you find your action mode more than you would like? How do you allow yourself to pause? To connect within? To be still? What might happen if you gave yourself permission to pause?

I would love to hear from you.

In joy and “being”,

Brenda and the herd