April was Child Abuse Prevention Month and I was invited to participate in The Nurturing Center’s Blue Ribbon Event. The invitation got me reflecting upon child abuse and neglect, things I learned during my career in the Child Welfare System, as a parent, a grandparent and from wise ones before me. (Don’t get me wrong, I am still learning and trying to figure things out.) I have learned a couple very important things along the way. First, we help the children best by supporting their parents. Second, I am sure you have heard the saying, “walk a mile in my shoes”. We really cannot know another’s journey or why they do what they do by the one-time observation of the young mother’s harsh reaction to her whining 4 year old and screaming 18 month in the shopping cart at the grocery store. Or what about the family who lives down the road with children running around unsupervised, barefoot in 40 degree weather, yard full of dogs and mess? Easy to judge. Without knowing the “how did life get this way for you mom?” we can’t know her journey. Maybe life is just too damn stressful for her right now. Maybe she never learned about structure and supervision.
It all starts with you. As in all of us. As in instead of demonizing and further shaming parents, I mean supporting parents. Ever make a mistake? If you are a parent, maybe you had a less than shining parenting moment, or two or three or more. I know I did. How did you feel? Chances are you felt some shame. Maybe it was Tuesday morning and your stress level was over the top and little Charlie spilled the milk. You reacted in the moment and maybe struck him or screamed at him or whatever but that is not your daily parenting style. Here’s the secret and I used to share it all the time while working with families and while training Child Protection Workers, “you can’t give what you didn’t get” aka you can’t give what you ain’t got. And you know what? When we know better we do better. Someone smart said that somewhere along my trail. When parents are supported and less stressed, children are less stressed, less at risk.
So the next time you see a parent clearly frustrated, irritated or even clearly angry over their child’s public behavior, remember it starts with you – Smile not scowl. Reassure, in some off hand way, how challenging it can be to have little ones in the store. You might just prevent an act of frustration behind closed doors once out of the public eye. You just might convey care and understanding. And that parent just might feel supported in a small way and better about themselves as a parent.
When I begin to feel judgment I try to remember this –
“There but for the grace of God go I.”
Brenda
